hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
