I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
