The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I touched a dick in church today
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
