I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
