capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
