Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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