Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
