I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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