That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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