FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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