I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
