Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
