Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
