You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
