omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
