How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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