I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
