oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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