Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
