It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
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