Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
