with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
