These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
