oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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