dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
