All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
