The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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