I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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