3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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