Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
