it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
