I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
