why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
