I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
