My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He better not be in your backpack
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
