Pants 0. Shit 1.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
