As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
