Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
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