im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
