she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
