the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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