On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
