You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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