Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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