I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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