I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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