Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
