He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
