I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
