Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
