Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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