Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
