The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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