I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
