My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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