Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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